For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Need this in my life lol
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.