My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist