after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
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The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
me irl
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving