I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
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Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain