Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
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Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
🤣could you imagine
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
How funny!
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.