Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Love this guy
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11