Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
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#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.