My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
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Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Meow
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Passwords are more important than ever.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.