My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.