*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
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Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.