If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
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mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.