That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
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Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.