Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
You Might Also Like
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I’m not stressed
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]