5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
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Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.