Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
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My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My birth announcement for our third baby
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Look at this