My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
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if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact