Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
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I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.