My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok