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I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Every BBC series about the universe.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.