Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
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I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.