Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
You Might Also Like
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
These are my emotional support Pringles.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex