Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
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I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
The asteroid..
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”