The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
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Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.