“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
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[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Oceanography is all about current events
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Sing it!
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.