My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
You Might Also Like
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please