My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
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bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too