People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
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I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing