This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
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In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?