MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
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My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.