My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
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“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating