[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
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What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
This is my bus stop.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.