Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
You Might Also Like
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago