I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
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I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Oh no
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park