Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
You Might Also Like
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.