The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please