getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
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August 8
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government