ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
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A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
True statement👍😏😁