okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
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Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
getting old is fun
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most