Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
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Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.