20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
hey, alexa
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.