wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
You Might Also Like
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.