Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
You Might Also Like
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
looks legit
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.