You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
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As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.