Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
You Might Also Like
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”