“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
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I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Brother?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
omg leave her alone
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude