But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
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A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.