Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
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Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this