I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Tell me you get it…🤣
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.