If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
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I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.