Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
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Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.